Happy! Happy! Happy!

The Time Is Approaching…

http://www.amazon.com/Drag-Me-Hell-Alison-Lohman/dp/B002JT69IW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1251813863&sr=1-1

A Favorite Moment from a Recent Viewing…

As a man with a half a foot crawls to his brother who is stuck to the ground by a pick axe through his leg, the man (a bumbling idiot with a serious phobia of moths) shouts, “This is taking fucking ages!”

Yes, I did lizz a little.

Check it out, yo.

And the answer is…

Another Five Bonus Friendship Points…

To the person who can guess this film and the character who says it:

So, I’m tendin’ bar there at Ecklund and Swedlin’s last Tuesday, and this little guy’s drinkin’ and he says, “So where can a guy find some action? I’m goin’ crazy out there at the lake.” And I says, “What kinda action?” and he says, “Woman action, what do I look like?” And I says, “Well, what do I look like, I don’t arrange that kinda thing,” and he says, “I’m goin’ crazy out there at the lake,” and I says, “Well, this ain’t that kinda place.”

The Abortion

i recently went to see Orphan with my boxing friend, and i have oh-so-many things to say about this.  As you can see from the get-go, i fucking hated it.

in the plus department, this movie stars two people i really like.  peter saarsgard and vera ferminga.  however, the plusses end there.  vera, looking super hot and fiona apple-esque is not enough to save this fucking disaster of a film that spends its two GODDAMNED long hours insulting its audience at every turn.  peter saarsgard, that maggie gyllenhaal impregnating semi-genius, manages to turn out the worst fucking performance of his entire career.

now be prepared because i have no plans to keep any of this films secrets.

so a cheating husband and an alcoholic wife have lost a baby.  they already have two children, and after having lost this third child, they decide to adopt a child.  only the mommy is anxious about this and having nightmares about her husband in the delivery room when she lost her daughter Jessica.

despite her reservations, they decide to go ahead and adopt an older child from a Catholic orphanage.  it’s the husband who first discovers Esther in an upstairs room of the orphanage away from the rest of the children.  take note of this kiddies!  he will be the cause of most of your annoyance throughout this horrendous viewing experience.

cut to them taking esther home.  the “little girl” immediately bonds with Max–the couple’s deaf daughter.  i am pretty sure her deafness is arbitrary, and the film could function as easily with a hearing five year old as it does with a deaf one.  exploitation? perhaps.

esther and max form a bond, but then esther (fucking finally after like a goddamned hour) kills someone.  and max is present.  esther convinces young max that she will go to prison too if she reveals this to anyone.  max is now terrified of esther and her behavior changes dramatically.

no one notices.

then max finally reveals this to her brother daniel (an older boy who can hear), and he is a dipshit who talks to his DEAF sister out loud where esther can hear everything he is saying.  he goes into the treehouse to looks for the remnants of esther’s murder (a hammer and bloody dress).  but, alas, when he reaches the top, there stands esther with lighter fluid and a match.  she nearly kills daniel, and he does, in fact, end up in the hospital with a severe neck injury (a moment a little too reminiscent of mommy in the omen).  robbery anyone?

okay, now that little shit is out of the way.

mommy here is aware that something is wrong with esther.  daddy doesn’t believe it.  he thinks mommy is drinking again (insert annoying, unscary, and totally boring backstory).  so no one is on her side when she tries to find out esther’s secrets.

and here is where the movie becomes the most annoying piece of shit you have ever seen in your entire horror-loving life.

bullshit science enters the scene here.  apparently esther has a disorder that makes her look like a little girl, but she is really thirty years old.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!

could this be any more fucking ridiculous and stupid?  as a horror fan, i feel insulted by this.  do they really think we are this stupid?  we are supposed to believe this bullshit??!?!?!?!

i left the theater enraged and ready to burn the joint down (except is was privately owned and not a chain).  my socialism got the better of me.

warning to all: do not go see this abortion.

And the Answer Is…

Five Bonus Friendship Points to the Person Who Can Guess This Quote:

“Final report of the commercial starship Nostromo, third officer reporting. The other members of the crew, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, and _____, are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a little luck, the network will pick me up. This is _____, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off.”

Names have been deleted for obvious reasons.  Answer to be provided tomorrow.

What is the prize you ask?  My love and deep affection, of course!

Also, if you can name the person (actor and character), I might marry you and consider having your babies.

A Childhood Remembered…

for many years, i had never met anyone other than my sisters who had seen the last unicorn, and this has always saddened me.

upon entering college, i learned that NO, it wasn’t just me, and others had their identities shaped by this somewhat shitty, somewhat beautiful children’s fantasy.

now i know i usually focus on horror movies, but as this scared the bejesus out of me when i was teeny-tiny, i think it counts.

general plot:

a unicorn (mia farrow) overhears hunters in the forest mentioning that she is the last of her kind.  what? she says.  i cannot possibly be the last.  but upon meeting a butterfly (creatures apparently only able to repeat things they have heard before and wearing a graduation cap and john lennon glasses) confirms that, yes, she is.  because “they passed down all the roads long ago, and the red bull ran close behind them” chasing them into the sea.

our unicorn, whom we already love and want to protect, decides to seek them out.

along the way she is accidentally captured by a witch named Mommy Fortuna (awesome, right?) played by Angela Lansbury where she meets Schmendrick, the Magician.  He is a rather bad magician though, only good enough to draw applause at the horrible travelling carnival Mommy Fortuna drags along with her.

normal people are incapable of seeing immortal creatures (as unicorns are).  as the butterfly tells her at the beginning, they are seen only by those who truly seek and believe and are a “fabulous animal resembling a horse” that is generally mistaken for a white mare.

but Mommy Fortuna, being a witch, knows exactly what she is, as does Schmendrick.  And so he frees her.  and she proceeds to free all the animals in Mommy Foruna’s faked carnival, including a harpee with three breasts (see the scary?) who has a wavering voice and begs the unicorn to free her suggesting “we are sisters, you and i.”  it here that we learn that you should never run from anything immortal.  it attracts their attention.  remember that kids.

When the harpee is freed, her primary goal is to destroy her captor, and as she tears apart Mommy Fortuna, you can hear the old woman still upholding her superiority, yelling, “I held you.”  Scary, huh?

Schmendrick and the unicorn leave on their journey to find the rest of the unicorns who have been driven into the sea by the red bull at the urging of King Haggard (a lovely Christopher Lee).  Along the way, they meet Molly Grue–a woman who has been seeking a unicorn all her life, and in her old age, is angry at the unicorn for appearing now, as unicorns are supposed to come to young maidens.  She cries, “How dare you come to me now… when I am this?”  A feeling a  little more and more familiar each day.

Molly accompaies them to the castle of Haggard, but before they arrive, they encounter the red bull, and Scmendrick does all he can to save her, turning the unicorn into a human girl–The Lady Amalthea. Both Molly and the unicorn are devastated at this transformation, as the unicorn says, “I can feel this body dying all around me.”  Do you see the darkness?

Eventually reaching Haggard in human form, Amalthea becomes more Amalthea and less unicorn.  She begins to forget her immortal self, falls in the love with a prince, and nearly forgets to save her unicorn counterparts.

Now, there are some choice moments at the end there, and I won’t ruin them, but you should know, this film, which I watched for the 3000th time last night, is the absolute foundation of my identity.

this film taught me what it means when women age.  It taught me what regret was.  it taught me about depth in film.  it taught me more than i can say.

a few years ago there was talk of making a live action version of the film, starring the same cast (in different roles, of course).  the preliminary art for it was absolutely beautiful, and i write this blog this morning to convince the acolytes of the film to take up its cause.  can we do this together?

from the live action film… hopefully….

See, you wanna see it, right?

A Repeat of Joys Past

That’s right, folks.  I am going again (and hopefully again and again) to see Drag Me to Hell!

For the those of you who have yet to see it, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!

Stay Tuned!