oh, the remake. the crime… the pain… the absolute horror.

yes.  i am one of those people who absolutely thinks that The Rocky Horror Picture Show is a masterpiece of bad and beautiful filmmaking.  i am.  and if you aren’t, you’re on the wrong site.  and i am here to tell you a story that might make you cry a little… or maybe even throw up in your mouth.

http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117989391.html?categoryid=13&cs=1

now, i am not sure why i am only just finding this out, as i am usually very in-the-know about such things.  upon finding this out, i felt like putting on my maid’s costume, teasing my hair, and showing up at the clearview and being my sultriest Magenta. 

alas, instead i called my friend in indiana and asked her to engage in a suicide pact.  i am thinking, on the day it is released, i will go down to times square and light myself on fire in front of MTV studios.  whatcha think?  i may even sing a song from the show while i’m at it. 

in an effort (likely useless) to stop this “abortion,” please go here: http://stoptheremake.com/

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of course, this gets me thinking about what other bullshit has been happening or will be happening in the future.  you see, i am not a person who gets all up-in-arms about remakes.  i tend to just accept that they happen and then watch them to see what might come of it.  but sometimes, they make me feel like going Hollywood terrorist.  So as a result, this blog will cover… just a bit…. the tragedies and triumphs of remakes here and there.

okay, so over at http://thevaultofhorror.blogspot.com/ he tells of some serious crimes in the planning stages.  the first of these crimes is, of course, The Birds.  now, i know some people do not think that hitchcock is the end all and be all of suspense, but most of these people are stupid.  and most of the people who really diss The Birds are people who are unable to understand the absolute terror of this kind of situation.  when something benign like birds can suddenly mobilize and destroy human civilization, serious shit has hit the fucking fan.

personally, i consider The Happening to be a reimagining of The Birds.  of course, The Happening is criminally crappy.  it might even be the worst fucking film of the year.  the reason the birds is scary is because it is at least mildly plausible.  animals that can move and already have strategic behavior (i.e., flying in V formation) might just be able to launch a full scale attack on humans.  TREES?!?!?!  Fucking TREES?!?!?!  that is fucking stupid.  just fucking stupid.

and i even kind of like the slowly dying m. night shyamalan.

but this is neither here nor there.  what is a-coming is an actual remake of The Birds.  fuck!  is nothing sacred?  and guess who is making it… fucking MICHAEL BAY!  yes, all right, i liked transformers in all of it’s over the top glory.  but it’s…. i…. i just can’t allow this.  what can we do, dude?  what?  help!  oh, please help!  michael-fucking-can’t-hold-a-goddamned-shot-bay!

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and moving on….

apparently they are also remaking poltergeist.  really?  hhmmmm… but why?  to quote lane’s replacement in the Kim household.  but why?  oh, craig t. nelson.  oh, jo beth williams.  oh, ugly little dead blonde kid.  you will forever have my heart.

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and then there is news of Last House on the Left.  okay, this might be an unpopular point-of-view, but i fucking HATED Last House on the Left.  really…. fucking hated it.  i felt abused by it.  and i watch Herschell Gordon Lewis movies, so yeah…. I know what abuse is.  it was horrifying.  the rape scene, which i still contend has no real place in decent horror, is so traumatizing that i can still remember feeling like i suffered ptsd after watching it.

and now someone is going to inflict that shit on us again!  i think i have to skip this one.  god, someone keep me from going to that fucking movie.

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apparently next month we will be treated to a remake of my bloody valentine.  and this time… in 3-D.  okay, here is the truth.  3-D movies fucking rock!  and i am totally stoked to see this.  it’s gonna be beautiful and awful.  i cannot wait!!!  woohoo!

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and in the way of holiday horror, something else awful has already happened.  Black Christmas was a beautiful thing that has been obliterated by a bullshit remake that makes me want to kill myself and others.  i mean, lacey chabert?  really?  that annoying little girl from party of five???  i thought that show and the fuckers on it (sans matthew fox) had finally dropped dead. 

but to add insult to injury, the destroy the scariness of the phone calls by giving us some bullshit explanation about how he was fucked by his mother and impregnated her.  fucking seriously, yet again.  what the fuck?  and… he is FUCKING YELLOW!!!  yeah, that’s all i’m gonna say about that.  oh… and dude, i really miss barb.  god, i love margot kidder.  yes, i know she can’t act, but she is awesome… truly, truly awesome.

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gregory peck is more awesome.  and he is the reason i really loved the old Omen.  but i have to say, as heavy-handed and awful as the new one is… i really did not hate it.  who knows why?  oh wait.  I do!!!  mia farrow.  yep.  ’nuff said.

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of course, i am more forgiving than others most of the time.  but i have to say, there is one remake down the pike that i think might make me want to kill someone.

friday the 13th.

what the fuck are these people thinking?  if you’re going to combine this shit (like they clearly are) then where the fuck is amy steel?  nowhere.  that is where.  i am not sure i’ll even see this.  really… ugh.  i mean, come on.  what do y’all think?  it’s so awful.  so so so so awful!

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now, a child’s play remake might actually be a good time.  the first one was stupid and lovely.  and let’s hope this one will simply toe the line.  i don’t know.  i have hope for this.  let’s just hope they cast another preacher’s wife.

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what else is coming?  what else is about break our spirits and destroy our souls?

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~ by acaseofyou12581 on December 26, 2008.

One Response to “oh, the remake. the crime… the pain… the absolute horror.”

  1. On my first visit to this blog, I would like to say that this has been my favorite moment thus far: “oh, craig t. nelson. oh, jo beth williams. oh, ugly little dead blonde kid. you will forever have my heart.”

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