One Zombie Does Not a Horror Movie Make

when newlyweds danny and denise (ni) take their unconventional wedding attire to a house on the jersey shore for a honeymoon while deferring their dreams to run away to portugal, they are faced with the greatest set of challenges any new couple has ever faced. 

the couple arrives at their vacation spot and immediately dance about in the generic, suburban backyard.  they are overjoyed and actually (believably) seem like an exceptionally happy and non-annoying couple.  they seem charismatic and realistic.  i believe they exist. 

but i do not believe the plot thrown to us after that.

they go to the beach, where a random zombie shows up and vomit black bile into danny’s mouth.  he then drops dead on top of him.  hmmmm…. okay.  and when ni takes her man to the hospital wearing her super cute cherry tankini, danny dies almost immediately.

but then he wakes up.  he seems normal.  ni is ecstatic… her husband is alive.  she takes him home and they have newlywed sex only something is different.  he is more aggressive.  he even bites her–hard.  but she likes it, so they just keep on going.

when the two get up the next morning they decide to defer their plans no longer, and they decide they will, in fact, move to portugal at their earliest convenience.  they both call their respective bosses and quit their jobs and then give up their apartment.  soon they will be on their way.

eventually ni discovers that danny has been given a disease that gives him an insatiable desire for flesh.  she catches him eating the neighbor in the bathtub of their honeymoon hideaway.  of course, ni is freaked out.  she decides to run away from him.  but she can’t.  she loves this man-eating man (who was a vegetarian up until this point), and she decides to stick around with him and try to help him get control of whatever disease he is developing.

eventually their friends (whose name i do not care to remember or investigate) show up and all the shit hits the fan.  the joy of this is that the male friend is like a bloated surfer version of Tommy Wiseau from The Room.  yeah, i am serious.

sometime during this fan-hitting shitfest, we are treated to the only truly enjoyable part of the film.  after one of danny’s experiences eating flesh, he decides to ask ni to go to portugal the next day.  well, of course, they have to see a travel agent if they are going to manage that.  enter the funniest looking woman in the history of the world.

she enters wearing a neck to wrists to ankles leopard print leotard.  on top of this leotard is a pair of black underwear and a necklace.  she has frizzy platinum blonde fake hair.  ew.  a seriously gross tan and many, many layers of blue eyeshadow.  oh, and let’s not forget that her lips are done up in such a way that her mouth actually looks like and anus (see David Cross).  i have no idea what actually happened during this scene.  i only know that i was laughing my ass off–enough for my neighbors outside at 4am to shout up to me to shut up.

okay, best scene over.  and now i cannot think of a reason to continue watching the movie–except that the lead girl (who carries the entire movie) is actually kind of endearing and sweet and a little bit sexy in her thin tanks tops (you all know how i love that).

eventually, the movie ends–rather romantically–and we are free to move on.

i think, this is a film that was trying to make a zombie romance, and it might have succeeded if anyone other than the lead girl had made a significant effort to make a real and believable film.  yes, i said “believable” in reference to a zombie movie.  she is actually quite good in what turns out to be a major stinker of a movie. 

what a fucking shame.



~ by acaseofyou12581 on March 8, 2009.

3 Responses to “One Zombie Does Not a Horror Movie Make”

  1. This is fantastic.

  2. Ok. Just to see the leopard leotard lady.

  3. She is truly marvelous. I was laughing so loud when she was on screen. She was like Times Square hooker from the eighties.

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