The Abortion

i recently went to see Orphan with my boxing friend, and i have oh-so-many things to say about this.  As you can see from the get-go, i fucking hated it.

in the plus department, this movie stars two people i really like.  peter saarsgard and vera ferminga.  however, the plusses end there.  vera, looking super hot and fiona apple-esque is not enough to save this fucking disaster of a film that spends its two GODDAMNED long hours insulting its audience at every turn.  peter saarsgard, that maggie gyllenhaal impregnating semi-genius, manages to turn out the worst fucking performance of his entire career.

now be prepared because i have no plans to keep any of this films secrets.

so a cheating husband and an alcoholic wife have lost a baby.  they already have two children, and after having lost this third child, they decide to adopt a child.  only the mommy is anxious about this and having nightmares about her husband in the delivery room when she lost her daughter Jessica.

despite her reservations, they decide to go ahead and adopt an older child from a Catholic orphanage.  it’s the husband who first discovers Esther in an upstairs room of the orphanage away from the rest of the children.  take note of this kiddies!  he will be the cause of most of your annoyance throughout this horrendous viewing experience.

cut to them taking esther home.  the “little girl” immediately bonds with Max–the couple’s deaf daughter.  i am pretty sure her deafness is arbitrary, and the film could function as easily with a hearing five year old as it does with a deaf one.  exploitation? perhaps.

esther and max form a bond, but then esther (fucking finally after like a goddamned hour) kills someone.  and max is present.  esther convinces young max that she will go to prison too if she reveals this to anyone.  max is now terrified of esther and her behavior changes dramatically.

no one notices.

then max finally reveals this to her brother daniel (an older boy who can hear), and he is a dipshit who talks to his DEAF sister out loud where esther can hear everything he is saying.  he goes into the treehouse to looks for the remnants of esther’s murder (a hammer and bloody dress).  but, alas, when he reaches the top, there stands esther with lighter fluid and a match.  she nearly kills daniel, and he does, in fact, end up in the hospital with a severe neck injury (a moment a little too reminiscent of mommy in the omen).  robbery anyone?

okay, now that little shit is out of the way.

mommy here is aware that something is wrong with esther.  daddy doesn’t believe it.  he thinks mommy is drinking again (insert annoying, unscary, and totally boring backstory).  so no one is on her side when she tries to find out esther’s secrets.

and here is where the movie becomes the most annoying piece of shit you have ever seen in your entire horror-loving life.

bullshit science enters the scene here.  apparently esther has a disorder that makes her look like a little girl, but she is really thirty years old.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!

could this be any more fucking ridiculous and stupid?  as a horror fan, i feel insulted by this.  do they really think we are this stupid?  we are supposed to believe this bullshit??!?!?!?!

i left the theater enraged and ready to burn the joint down (except is was privately owned and not a chain).  my socialism got the better of me.

warning to all: do not go see this abortion.

orphan-movie-poster-screening

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~ by acaseofyou12581 on August 19, 2009.

One Response to “The Abortion”

  1. You took the words right out of my mouth!!!!

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