Creepy Crawlies!

You know what movie is decidedly not that great?  Kingdom of the Spiders.

I think I just heard everyone gasp at the same time.  Look, I am aware that this is a super-unpopular opinion, but it just didn’t blow my mind.  And dude, this is the kind of movie that needs to blow your mind.  It needs to blow your mind so hard that shoots out of your skull and splatters onto your TV screen.

When a calf dies on the Colby farm, resident veterinarian Rack Hansen (William-fucking-Shatner) sends some samples to the state university to see what killed it.  After doing so, Diane Ashley (Tiffany Bolling) arrives.  She says, “My god, what you have here is a calf killed by spider venom.”  Rack Hansen and the lonely drunken sheriff standing on his porch are all like… “Well, that’s just silly.”  Little do they know that Ms. Ashley (whom Rack has unsuccessfully propositioned) is right on the money!  Whatever will they do?

Soon enough, Rack believes Diane.  And they set out to burn a spider hill on the Colby farm.  Before they can do so, a bull comes tumbling toward them covered in big ole hairy spiders.  Ew!  Whatever, they say.  Let’s burn that sucker down.  Insert dramatic irony.  We know that they have burned only one of many spider hills–as we see the little buggers crawling all in and out of holes to escape the fire.

Well, eventually it is discovered that the spiders are–in fact–launching a full-scale attack on humanity.  Ahh!  And they are becoming organized and aggressive.  They are killin’ everyone they find and wrapping them up to store them as food.  Ew!

Eventually resident hero Rack takes his loved ones (what’s left of them) to the Washburn lodge and stays put along with the best actress in the film (the lodge’s owner).  They hole up there and are faced with a series of arachnid invasions!  Well, as the film draws to its close, we realize that, in fact, we will not be treated to the bullshit ending of crappy films like The Happening.  Instead it will be something like The Birds.  How will our plucky band of survivors make it out of Camp Verde?  One may never know.

See?  Doesn’t this sound like the raddest shit you’ve ever seen?  Doesn’t it just make you think that the movie is going to be either utterly craptastic or totally creepy crawly?

But, dude, it’s just not.  Most of the moments when the spiders are crawling about are too slow and not overcrowded with spiders.  It just doesn’t seem like it’s as much of a menace as it needs to be to maintain the scares.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking that it shouldn’t be scary.  It should be fun.  Well, it’s not really that either.  It takes itself far too seriously to get any joy out of it.  Surprisingly, the acting is actually quite good, but it doesn’t matter because the rest of it just doesn’t quite come together.

For instance, the Colby farm is owned and operated by an African American couple who saved for seven years to get the bull that sired that dead calf.  Well, this is clearly supposed to hold some economic statement, but it never quite comes to fruition.  There are hints of feminism as well, but they never quite reach their height either.

Most of all, the film is supposed to be about the abuse of Nature.  But again, one or two mentions of DDT does not a political statement make.

Bummer, dudes.  “It could have been so beautiful!”


~ by acaseofyou12581 on February 9, 2010.

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