I Am Scared… FINALLY!

You know that moment when you are in your bedroom and you are watching a movie with all the lights turned off, and you shrink down into your covers, and you think you might actually (GASP!) be scared for the first time since you were in footy pajamas?

Yeah, that happened to me tonight.

Every now and then a red envelope arrives that reminds me why I am such a horror junkie.  In the parade of (to beat a dead horse) torture porn and absolutely boringly criminal remakes, I sit strong.  I am hopeful, you see.  I am hopeful that once in a great while I will feel something I haven’t felt (during a movie, at least) since I was a little girl.  Tonight was the night all that patience and perseverance has paid off.  I am finally glad I waded through the shit to get to this moment.

He Knows You’re Alone is a gem of a slasher flick from Armand Mastroianni.  This 1980 movie is more than a little derivative, but it didn’t stop me from being scared.  It made me wish I was six with the flu and watching Halloween with my dad.

I won’t reveal too much of the plot here.  A man (who is ca-razy) has an issue with brides.  Why, oh, why man?  Anyway, he decides that he is going to stop them before they can “live happily ever after” with the men of their dreams.  He does this with a big ole knife, of course.  What else would he use, silly?

I know, I know.  This all sounds really par for the course, right?  Well, I suppose it is a bit.  But no matter, it is still totally fucking AWESOME.  Why, you ask, would a movie so obviously unoriginal be so magically delicious?  Well, this movie robbed all the right people.  Namely, John Carpenter.  This film is so derivative of Halloween that I honestly think I could have been watching that instead.  Okay, okay, they are brides and not babysitters, but still.  Every element of this film–the stalking sequences, the kill method, hell, even the music–was absolutely perfect in tone and feeling.  But this is not the mark of a master.  Oh no.  This is the work of a very clever and successful thief.

You see, every time I got a jolt from this movie, and man, did I ever, it was like experiencing a terror flashback.  Every time the killer would pop up and disappear, it was really right out of the Michael Myers playbook.  This, normally, would piss me off, but in the pool of bile that Michael Bay has been spewing out these days, it was refreshing to be simply scared by a movie.  It was tense and lovely, and I am so happy to have seen this flick at just this time.

There is, of course, more to this film than pure robbery.  The actors in this film are really quite phenomenal.  Caitlin O’Heaney carrries the film nicely as Amy Jensen, and I honestly enjoyed her only slightly stereotyped friends–and her little sister (Hello, Audrey Griswold!)  No one was pure archetype, and that made for a more engaging experience.

Thank you so much, Armand, for bringing a little sunshine into my life.

In other news, the title makes no fucking sense.

In other, other news, Tom Hanks is in this movie.


~ by acaseofyou12581 on February 17, 2010.

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