Make Sure You Take Your Indian Spirit Guide and Jessica

So last night was an interesting night.  It featured blood, orgies, and devils.  No wait!  It featured none of those things.  It did, however, feature the 1972 Ted V. Mikels production Blood Orgy of the She-Devils.

Mhhmmm….. yes.

This PG-Rated feature is the absolute definition of the word “craptastic.”

Two men come to visit a witch and ask her to kill off a political opponent.  She does so.  They realize that she is too powerful to share their secret, so they kill her.  Only she doesn’t die.  She comes back to life–along with her trusty Middle Eastern (?) man servant.  She takes revenge.  Dun DUN DUNNNNN.

Meanwhile, a girl who poses way too much convinces her boyfriend (who was in serious need of a mustache) to come to a seance.  He does.  Weirdness ensues.  He is convinced.

Enter our expert.  The expert gives long speeches about the Salem Witch Trials (none of which are based in fact).  And eventually shoots light out of his fingertips.

Yeah, I know.  This sounds totally fucking stupid.  And it is.  But it is also totally fucking rad!!!  This is one of the biggest pieces of shit I have ever seen.  Seriously, the witch was so “severe” looking that it was actually a little unnerving.  She has chin that poke out an eyeball.  (OH!  Why didn’t that happen?  That would have been awesome!  Call me Ted V. Mikels!)  She was really, really invested in doing a crappy job that everyone would enjoy watching.

And then there is our expert.  (No, I have no idea what any of these characters are named.)  He, as I said before, shoots light out of his fingertips.  But this is not the important thing about him.  He has… are you ready?  A GIANT LEPRECHAUN STATUE ON A SIDE TABLE!!!  Yes, it was that fucking amazing.  And it has to be seen to be believed.

I know, I know, you think this is now the greatest film ever made.  EVER.  And it’s pretty fucking close.  But I just couldn’t help mourning the fact that this film is a largely bloodless affair.  Where is Herschell Gordon Lewis when you need him?  Huh?  HGL could have made this into the most craptastic thing of ALL MOTHERFUCKING TIME.  Alas, alack, it was not to be.

So just enjoy it for what it is, which is, after all, totally rad.

P.S.  This movie is totally racist.

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~ by acaseofyou12581 on February 19, 2010.

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