Time for the Evening’s Play-by-Play

Well, after watching two Ingmar Bergman movies, I think I need to change the tone of the evening.


So this is how we’re gonna do this… I am going to watch and type at the same time.  Right?  Then you can rent the movie and read as you watch.  Got it?  Okay.  Here we go.

Diving people (they seem governmental) are way, way down in the ocean fixing something something (not clear what just yet).  Man at bottom can’t really hear through the mask and the bubbles and the blowtorch (that magically works) and the fact that he’s “freezing [his] balls off.”

500 yds
100 yds
75 yds

Dude is now dead.  He be eaten by a shark.  Methinks they done loosed the beast?

Now we’re in Mexico.  Lots of Que Paso shit back and forth between people who clearly do not speak Spanish.  A guy wants to get lobsters with his friend while they are in their work boat.  He suddenly has scuba gear in a speed boat.  Hmmm….  Whatever.  He gets caught by the fake Coast Guard.  No, there is nothing on their boat to signify that they are any kind of authority figures.  Maybe it’s just because their boat is bigger.  It’s like penises, I guess.  If yours is bigger, you win.

Dude, found a shark tooth, but he can’t figure it out… No wonder, he is looking at a website that is clearly little more than a glorified word document.  I REPEAT: WORST FAKE WEBSITE EVER.  (Did I mention that I love this movie?)  He has no posted a picture of the tooth.

…. And… we’re in San Diego.  I’m gonna be jetlagged after this movie.

A security guard is walking through the Natural History Museum.  Aw.  He seems like a nice old man.  I hope he doesn’t die.

Scratch that.  He just ran into a pretty lady scientist (mayhaps this is our female lead?) and he has spoken.  I now want him to die immediately.

Try to read this as slowly as possible in a voice that is somewhat Southern yet also a little… um…. not to be indelicate, but…. retarded.

“Mina’s been… waiting… 65 million years.  I think… she… can wait………….. a half hour.  Whyn’t…… you grab a…. sandwich?”

Damn, I think he’s going to live.  Goodbye vaguely retarded San Diego security guard!  We live to fight another day, I suppose.

Ah… she has found original douchebag’s post.  She knows what it is!!!  OH MY GOD.  No, that’s what she said.  Not me.

Whoa, we’re at brunch in Mexico, and that woman looks like a prostitute.  That seems unnecessary.  Fiberoptics, blah blah blah.

AHAHAHAHA!!!!  “You know, sharks are always biting things.”  AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Douchebag is in trouble.  “Yessir,” he says.  But fuck that is what he’s thinking because he’s clearly, THAT GUY.



Another butt.

I think their butts are going to be eaten.  Oh, I can’t wait.  God, no one in this movie actually speaks Spanish.  Dude, yes, she is afraid something is going to bite her vag.  You know why?  Because that is exactly what’s going to happen.  Now they are fucking in the water.  HOLY SHIT!!!  This shark makes sounds!!!  Yes, you heard right.  It like…. growls.  It wasn’t the monster shark.  Bummer.  Everyone is still alive.  Shit.

Oh, Miss San Diego Scientist is here.  Yippee!  That tooth looks so fake.  Aw, he is flirting.  Boring.  But fun.  They really can’t act.  I hope someone shot them after they made this movie.  He’ll see her around.

Oldest cell phone ever. She is documenting everything.  Oh, she’s keeping a quiet.  Miss San Diego Scientist is a sneaky bitch.

Now we’re at a club.  The punks are fucking around.  I mean, they are supposed to be punks, but clearly they have no idea what punks are really like.  Who the fuck goes down a waterslide in all their clothes?  Punks, that’s who.  Oh, shit.  The shark was at the bottom of the slide.  And dude, this shark… it makes EATING SOUNDS!!!  Like this… nom nom nom.  (Have I mentioned that I want to lick the red envelope this movie came in?)

And now it’s a security-esque room.  And this dude has a skeazy pony tail.  Oh, it’s a communications room.  “Fuuuuck…. that’s all I need.”  Ew.  He called them “code monkeys.”  I don’t know what that means, but it sounds gross.

Okay, seriously, they should have hired someone who actually speaks Spanish.

“You’re the ass man, remember?  And you’d… do anything… for that ass.”
“That’s true.”
“Come oooooonn.”

“This happens to be an underwater lipstick camera.”
“Looks awfully small.”
“Well, it’s not really the size that counts.”
“That’s not what I heard.”

I want to have this movie’s babies.

And here comes the shark.  Oh shit, this guy is gonna get eaten.  Why isn’t he wearing a wetsuit?  Wait, why aren’t they all wearing wetsuits?  It sucks when your sneakers get wet.  “You bet your balls.”  Jesus, this dialogue is stellar.

Aw, a doggy.  If the dog gets eaten, I am gonna be pissed.  Nope, I think he is too smart.  Aw… dude lost an arm.  No… wait, a leg.  Suck.

Ew… she’s greasy.  Dude, why is he getting all indignant that she lied.  I mean, shit, they don’t even know each other.  She can lie all she likes.

Let me ask you a question.  Do you think findind a Tyrranosaurus Rex in your backyard would be a good thing?  Yeah, neither did Douchebag.  Although….

Oh, now they’re a team.  Awesome.  This just keeps getting better.  Oh, that was racist.

“Oh, Jesus, it’s headed right for the resort!  FULL THROTTLE! NOW!”  —- But seriously, more people need to get eaten and fast. —- Bullets fly!  I love that this shark makes sounds.  “Faster.  It’s headed straight for that boat.”  OOOOOooooHHHhhhh…. wind surfer gointa die.  One surfer down!  Good use of archival footage there.  Sufer two unconscious!  Surfer Three Dead!

And of course, he refuses to close the beaches.

HOLY FUCKING GOD!!  They are at church.  They are fucking praying over a prehistoric shark.  That shit does not even make sense.  I mean, according to God the Earth isn’t even old enough to have this shark on it.  This is ridiculous and awesome.  What a fucking bullshit wasted scene.  I love it.

Ha!  Dude has giant photos of Bush and Cheney!  Douchebag number 2, methinks.  Aw, he is so patriotic.

Ew.  Shitty office, dude.  Here comes Patriot Douchebag.  Apparently the press is going to rip him a new asshole.  “It’s not over yet.  Not by a long shot.”

This dude is a bad ripoff of Ricky Ricardo.  Hehehe.  That is so someone with a plastic fin attached to their back swimming by.  But no matter.  It’s capsizin’ time.  Or… sinkin’ time.  Or… electrocutin’ time?  Ahahaha!  The shark busted through the boat!  A BAT?!?!?!?  He is beating it with a bat!  Whoa.  Shotgun kill shark.

Oh, oh, oh, this shit just got real!!!  THAT SHARK SWALLOWED AN ENTIRE BOAT!!!!!  Goodbye Ricky Ricardo!

OH. MY. GOD.  This movie is my new lover.  I AM MARRYING THIS MOVIE!

Plan hatchin’ time.  Why does this guy have an arsenal?  And a fucking torpedo?  Apparently the torpedo is super heavy, duh.  8 am seems kind of late for a secret plan meeting to begin.  OH NO!  He didn’t just say that!  “Well, I’m really wired.  What do you say I take you home and eat your pussy?”  WHO FUCKING WROTE THAT?!?!?  Were they on fucking crack at the time?

I am going to pee my pants in laughter.  If you hear me say I washed my sheets this weekend, you’ll know why.

Aw, Prostitute is back.  Yippee!  Maybe her implants will get eaten.  This is our climax, y’all.  He is holding that joystick like a cock.  “Ennnhhhh…enh… eeennnnhhhh,”  Ew.  This is some Tommy Wiseau acting, y’all.

Sharks do not growl.  No, really, sharks do not growl.

That was a climax that needs to be seen to be believed.  I will not say anything else about it.  It’s too, too much.

And that is that.  I am seriously marrying this movie and having 10,000 of its babies.

Shark Attack 3: Clipdown, y’all!


~ by acaseofyou12581 on February 20, 2010.

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