The Norwegians…

i had the apartment to myself tonight, and i thought i would just come home and eat leftover indian food and watch project runway.  but then a work friend reminded me of the joy of netflix instant viewing.

lo, i give you, cold prey.

a group of five friends goes skiing on a somewhat hidden and very perilous mountain in norway when they could be lifted on up another less beautiful mountain and ski on down and be greeted with beers and fireplaces.  but oh no, they are all about the thrill.  so they hike on up this pretty, pretty peak.  when they do, the uncoupled of the five (and the redheaded stepchild of the bunch) falls and breaks his ankle–nastily too.  they decide to take refuge in an abandoned ski lodge for the night.  one by one, they are picked off by a surprisingly enormous dude with a pick axe.

cold prey is a pretty average slasher flick, i must say.  why then, was i getting a jolt here and there?  why then, did i seem to actually care what happened?  why then, did i not rage and cry that netflix refused to upload an actual subtitled version of the film for me to view instantly?  why then, did i not care that imagery was stolen straight from the texas chainsaw playbook?

what works about cold prey is limited, to be sure, but it works well.  for one, it is not a film based on jump scares.  in fact, i remember maybe two or three throughout the entire film.  lawd, love a film that knows better than to rely on shit like that.  the tension in the film is based solely on the characters ability to slowly discover their surroundings.  they know nothing of the danger in which they will find themselves.  and once they begin to discover things, they don’t fuck around like oh-so-many remake bimbos.

okay, let’s get real.  i am a sucker for a slasher, so you need to be careful about taking my advice.  i love me a stalker sequence.  i love me a shrouded killer.  i love an explanation that makes no fucking sense.  i love not knowing why someone makes with the kill-kill.  and that is exactly the kind of movie cold prey is.  i mean, okay, so the birthmarked kid from the beginning maybe kinda got left behind by his maybe kinda shithead parents.  what?  why did that make him a killer?  three seconds of exposition at the end there is not the same as FORTY FUCKING minutes of exposition in rob zombie’s bullshit halloween remake (yes, that was an exaggeration, but fuck you for pointing that out).  i dig me a killer who kills without reason.  you know what else was pretty cool about this killer?  during his reveal, he looked all kinda sad like.  i kinda wanted to be like, “it’s okay, dude.  you get a sequel.  you’ll kill again.”

now let’s talk about the formula.  “THERE’S A VERY SIMPLE FORMULA TO IT!”  or so says randy, anyway.  cold prey says, “hey formula, how you doin’?  apparently, you really work.  so imma stick with you.  we will make a good couple.  yoooouuuu and iiiiii.  we can conquer the world.”  (yes, they sing it in stevie wonder’s voice.)  and then they went out, and they conquered the world (quite literally, as this is a norwegian movie, and i am an american movie reviewin’ foo’).  lawd, love a movie that respects a formula that has worked for forty-fuckin’-years.

good times, cold prey.  thanks for not failing me on a rather lovely almost-spring day.

not in english

in english

one complaint: fuck you, shitty music

EDITED: this review is weirdly manic and a little insane.  i refuse to change it.  deal, fuckers.

AGAIN EDITED: the trailers might not be showing up.  again, deal, fuckers.


~ by acaseofyou12581 on March 16, 2010.

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