An Ode to An Armenian

Last night I was watching a little somethin’-somethin’ we cool kids like to call The muthafuckinFog, and I got to thinking about some things.

Before I get down to business, I would just like to be absolutely clear. I am a die-hard, psychotic, fucking-freak-of-nature, will-go-to-the-mattresses fan of The Fog. When I saw this movie when I was a kid (I must have been about eight years old), it scared the living shit out of me, and I still get the heebie jeebies when Mrs. Kobritz (oh, poor old Mrs. Kobritz) disappears into the fog in the night. I fucking love this movie so hard that any denial of its greatness could result in a violent reprisal from me. This is a warning to you. Be fucking careful when you approach this topic. I’m just sayin’.

But really, I mean, why would you not love this movie? Let’s think about it: in front of the camera you have Adrienne Barbeau (who will be the topic of our post for today), Jamie Lee Curtis, Tom Atkins, Hal Holbrook, Janet Leigh, Nancy Loomis, and Charles Cyphers, and behind the camera you have the amazing Debra Hill and John Carpenter. What’s not to love? Really? Why don’t you love it? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

(For fuck’s sake, this is a child’s dream come true! It’s an episode of Scooby-Do made scary! Fucking pirate ghosts, dude. Pirate ghosts.)

As I was watching The Fog for the 9000th time yesterday, I came to realize that I kind of always want to watch it. Like if someone is at my house, and they are going through the 600ish DVDs I have and they say, “Hey, what’s The Fog?” Well, first I would slap the shit out of them, and then I would be like, “Oh, we so have to watch that. It’s amazing.” And if that happened twice a week, well, I’d be more than okay with that. I mean, I wouldn’t mind watching The Fog twice a week at all. You dig? And then I got to thinkin’, why the hell do I want to watch The Fog so much? Despite the fact that the movie is totally awesome, and I do love it so hard I want to have its babies, there are moments in the movie that I love forward to (“6 MUST DIE,” anyone?), and most of those moments feature someone in particular.

Yes. Adrienne Barbeau.

Last night I asked Best Friend who was sometimes-snoring, sometimes-viewing The Fog with me whether or not he thought my love for Ms. Barbeau was disporportionate, and he said he thought it might be. I’m still thinking this through. You see, whenever I see her on screen, I start to feel a swelling in my chest. I’m like The Grinch 6 days out of 7, but on that 7th day when I see Adrienne Barbeau my little old heart just grows like you would not believe. Seeing her face just makes me so damned happy. In order to fully understand whether or not my love for her is actually warranted I have compiled a list of 5 reasons to love her. We’ll see how this pans out. Ready? Here we go:

5. Escape From New York (1981)

Barbeau’s turn as Maggie in Escape From New York was one of the first times I ever saw her on film, and it is a personal experience for me. This John Carpenter film is, to my mind, a true post-apocalyptic masterpiece, and I love it so, so hard. It was filmed, not in New York, but in Saint Louis, and Maggie bites it on the Martin Luther King bridge (my favorite bridge in my home city, natch). This one just holds me, dudes. Me and my pops used to watch it all the time.

4. The Convent (2000)

The Convent is quite possibly one of my most favoritest of Barbeau’s roles. She is at her coolest in this movie. She just blows me away as Christine, the bad girl who took matters into her own hands. When the stupid teenager who sets the day-glo zombie nuns loose comes a-knockin’ Christine gets her shotgun, her motorcycle, her leather, and her smokes, and heads out to out blow them all way. Witness this dialogue: “Every 5 years or so you stupid kids think it would be great fun to break into the convent and see where it all happened. Then, when all Hell breaks loose, you come looking for the chick who started it. Well, fuck that noise.” Yeah, that’s what I thought.

3. Carnivale (2003-2005)

Carnivale is, without a doubt, the most ambitious television series I have ever seen in my entire life. Barbeau’s role as Ruthie the Snake Charmer was easily my favorite. While she was not one of the central characters on the show, she left an impression that was hard to ignore, and she became, to me, ultimately very endearing and very heartbreaking at the same time, as she revealed that she felt she had little to offer to people except her body. In a show about good vs. evil and the Dust Bowl and nuclear war and faith and fortune, Barbeau was a welcome discussion of the roles women were forced to play in such a dry and desolate place.

2. Creepshow (1982)

Duh. I mean, come on, duh. “Just call me Billy” is one of the best lines ever in the history of horror. IN THE HISTORY OF HISTORY. I feel a little bit like, well, if you don’t like Creepshow, you don’t like being alive. Creepshow is the best time ever, and I’d like to say that “The Crate” is the best segment, but I can’t do that. Really, this anthology film is so solid that every single segment is a joy to behold. But watching her alongside Hal Holbrook is an absolute blast, and I guaran-damn-tee you that you will not regret this as an evening’s entertainment.

1. The Fog (1980)

Of course, right? I mean, what are we doing here after all? Stevie Wayne was the slutty Delilah of her day. She is trying to get someone to save her son while she stays in that lighthouse to try and save everyone else. Look at how she sacrifices! LOOK AT THAT! She is no stereotype mother! She’s the muthafuckin’ bomb! She’s got that big fuffly hair, those plaid shirts, that red sweater, those mad sexy camel leather boots. But most importantly, she’s got driftwood that can light itself on fire. (Oh, and a Volkswagen Thing and her own radio station like Clairee Belcher.)


~ by acaseofyou12581 on April 29, 2010.

3 Responses to “An Ode to An Armenian”

  1. Man, fuck these typos. I am so sick of fixing typos. Look, y’all, I’m medicated. I can’t be expected to get shit right all the time.

  2. I like the scene in the morgue when the guy gets up with the scalpel.

  3. […] I’m pretty sure that I would have an actual affair with Adrienne Barbeau.  The Fog, Creepshow, Escape from New York.  ‘Nuff […]

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