Quick Cuts (Edition 2)

So I had a movie binge this weekend.  Yeah, I know, I have them all the time.  What’s new?  As a result of said binge, I have two (count them TWO) short reviews to share with you.

Sick Girl

Holy gods, could I sit through anything more painful than this?  Look, I tend to be forgiving of indie horror, but this I cannot abide.  (I’m the the opposite of The Dude, here.)

A young woman (who has an inappropriate affection for her older brother) decides she’s had enough of the shit people have been heaping upon members of her family and decides to take revenge.

Now, you all know that as much as I hate to admit it (and this might be the first time I’ve done it publicly) I have a bit of a hard-on for revenge films.  I wasn’t picked on as a child or anything.  I didn’t get beat up.  In fact, I have recently learned that many people thought I would beat them up.  (This makes no sense, of course, because I am really non-violent.)  But there is something in me that wants to see the fucktards (yes, I said fucktards) who abuse people get punished in really violent ways.

Another Missy factoid should be that I hate children.  No, I mean I hate them.  I think they’re vicious little pricks who do nothing but suck up your money and get all your shit sticky with jam.  (See previous commentary on Gilmore Girls‘ Luke and his theory on “jam hands.”)

So it would seem that this movie was made for me–MADE, I tell ya.  It’s got revenge of all forms, but mostly it has revenge against a few particular people (teenage sluts and their boyfriends and little bitty kid-sized bullies.)  So why do I hate this movie?  Well, friends, it sucks.

This movie is so poorly made that I couldn’t sit through it without stopping.  Perhaps there is some amazing conclusion that I missed, but you know what?  I don’t care!  You have to make me want to get to that conclusion.  Problems include: the acting and the violence.  (Okay, realistically, these are my only real complaints, but they matter.)

The acting in this film is so atrocious that I honestly thought I would jam a pencil in my ear, so I could stop hearing these actors speak.  Our main character, whose name I do not care to remember, is just… awful.  She speaks as if she is a fifth grader auditioning for a school play.  I know the budgets for these films are low, but come the fuck on.  Call up your buddies and see if they have any friends who’ve studied acting and sign them up for the film.  Whoever this girl is needs to avoid ever being put on film again.  Now, really, everyone in the film is as horrendous as her, but she is meant to carry this entire project, so the fact that she sucks makes me want to light a kitten’s face on fire.

Speaking of violent acts that I would never truly engage in, the violence in the movie is wrong-headed.  Instead of being brutal (which is what revenge flicks are for), it’s humiliating.  She pees on a nun!  No, read that again: SHE PEES ON A NUN!  Now, I recognize that I was raised to be a good Catholic girl, so I know I am a little biased, but you do not pee on nuns.  You just don’t do that.  And the rest of the violence, well, it follows a similar path, is what I’ll tell you.

Ugh, this movie is so bad.  Just don’t see it.  Don’t.  You’ll thank me later.

Arachnid

Ah, a remedy for the disgustingness of the earlier film.  All right look, Arachnid is exactly what you expect–if you are sitting down to watch the Sci Fi channel on a Friday night.  And you know what?  It knows exactly what it is, and it doesn’t try to be anything else.

Who am I kidding?  Arachnid is an awful film, but it sure is a fuckload of fun.

A pilot takes a doctor and his assorted crew to an island off the coast of Guam to help bring medical care to the island’s people.  She’s also there looking for her brother who went missing in the first four minutes of the film.  While on the island, the folks discover mutated arachnid forms that want to kill kill kill and eat eat eat and breed breed breed.

Like I said, it is exactly what you expect.  The people trapped together on the island hate each other.  They stand around with blank faces when something shocking happens.  And they get killed off one by one by this ginormous spider thingy.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, “How can she possibly give this a positive review?”  This movie falls squarely into the “so bad it’s good” category of filmmaking.  It was a fucking blast–to be frank.  I had so much fun watching it that it all but erased the horrible movie up top.

Things to look forward to:
1)  “hump buddy”
2)  man vomiting ticks–huge, engorged ones
3)  aforementioned ticks crawling around under the skin
4)  a dream sequence so tasty with gore I forgot what I was watching
5)  a book titled Arachnid Fun Facts

And y’all, this is only a little.  It’s a primo shitty creature feature mixed with a terrible Nature Hates You movie.  And it just hurts so good.

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~ by acaseofyou12581 on June 2, 2010.

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