Have You Never Heard of Salt?

I had a rough day yesterday.  In truth, it was kind of awful, so when I got home, I just wanted to turn my brain off and watch a movie.  And oh, did I ever pick a doozy.  (Side note: Is that how you spell doozy?  One can never be sure of these things.)

Slugs is a masterpiece.  There, I said it.  You can fight me to the death on this, but you have to get the context of what I’m saying first.  When one chooses to see a movie titled Slugs, he or she must know what they are getting themselves into.  I mean, if you really expect the cinematic gold standard, aren’t you asking a little much?  And so you sit down and get ready to watch what is sure to be an awful movie.  And you hope you’ll have fun doing it.

You will, my friends, you will. 

Slugs may be the most romantic disgusting movie I’ve seen all year.  No, really, it was the most barf-inducing thing I have seen in a long, long time.  And it is in this that its true glory lies.

(Please beware of spoilers.  I doubt I’ll be keeping this movie’s secrets very well.)

A town becomes overrun with apparently giant (though they really aren’t particularly big) toxic waste-ridden slugs (that kind of look like wet rats from a distance) that have teeth and eat human flesh.  Like zombies, y’all, except… you know… slugs.  When the mayor (who obviously saw Jaws too many times and looked at it as a training video for how to run a town) refuses to listen to the town Health Inspector and turn off the water supply, said inspector and a high school biology teacher (sciencologist–yay!) and the town Sanitation Dude take matters into their own hands.

Okay, let’s be absolutely clear, this movie has the most ridiculous plot in the history of history.  It’s starting to make those fire-farting cockroaches seem sensible.  You see, here is the theory of the director (I think): “Well, slugs are clearly not scary, so I’ll just make random people blow up and have some explosions at the end there, and everything will be all right.”  You’d think this wouldn’t save the movie from the trash bin, but oh, does it ever.

There are a number of things to look forward to in this movie.  They begin with the fashions and home decor.  OH. MY. GODS.  This movie could not be more entrenched in the eighties.  There was the ever-present mullet–all curly to boot!  And then the satin vertical stripes on the dress, which really must be seen to be believed.  And then you have the woman who looks like Meg Ryan meets Sharon Stone meets Kathleen Turner meet Someone Really Drunk with her oh-so-fluffy, poorly bleached hair.  She was marvelous.  Just fucking marvelous.  And then you have that old lady (who gets blown up, b-t-dubbs) with her whole “I want to be Ruth Gordon so bad!” thing going on.

In every home, you will find things like floral print wallpaper that matches the drapes and the bedspread, shitty art that is supposed to resemble famous artworks.  Lots and lots of painted wood.  I still haven’t figured out why everyone in the eighties thought it was a good idea to paint wood.  I mean, shit, one of the great things about wood is that it’s beautiful and natural.  Why would we fuck it up with paint?

Eh, it’s your house, I guess.

If all these magical items were not enough to convince you to see this movie, then I think you would be most turned on by the acting.  HOLY SHIT, I tell you.  Not one single person can manage to say even a single syllable convincingly.  I was just in love with this dialogue.  It was full of totally senseless non sequiturs.  Like, a chick macking on her dude and then saying randomly for no reason, “It’s my drinking,” which, okay yes, she is a drunk bitch lady, but um… why?

But none of this compares in the least bit to the GORE.  Yes, this movie is gory and gross and shocking.  It has everything you’d ever want in a shitty Nature Hates You movie.  Examples:

1)  eyeballs exploding out of heads
2)  chick rolling around in a pool of slugs being eaten alive–pay special attention to her face
3)  man chopping his own hand off
4)  man bleeding profusely from the nose
5)  same man having his face explode in a nice restaurant

And those are just some highlights.  The blood flows liberally in this movie, and it’s fucking fantastic.  I mean, you won’t be calling up Tom Savini and breaking up with him, but you will have a fan-fucking-tastic time.

Now, all of these assorted sentences are meant to tell you exactly what kind of person I am.  I am the kind of person who wants to see a movie called Slugs and will love it for exactly what it is.  And I am the kind of person who will absolutely pee her pants in excitement when the movie concludes with the three heroes essentially blowing up the town to kill the slugs.  Yeah, it was awesome.

What kind of person are you?

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~ by acaseofyou12581 on June 3, 2010.

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