Parenting Rule: Never Let Your Telekinetic Child Play with a Demon Statue

No, seriously, if you have a kid that’s all “special” in that way, you should probably be careful what kind of toys you give them.  Such was the lesson of last night’s feature Cameron’s Closet.

Young Cameron has telekinetic powers!  Yippee!  If anyone ever spills pig’s blood on him, he’s got the perfect revenge all set up.  He’s been the subject of some very gentle and not-so-scary experiments.  When he asks his father (who was participating in the experimentin’) if he can play with a random (and pretty creepy) statue, Dad (Tab-fuckin’-I am named after a cheap soda-Hunter) gives the okay.  When Cameron makes him Deceptor in his Champion and Deceptor game, he unleashes all sorts of evil.  Well, not all sorts, I suppose.  It’s really just a demon who will live in his closet until it can take his soul via Cameron’s willing participation or by manipulating others around him to kill the boy.

When the demon kills Cameron’s dad (whoa to the awesome head-chopping of Tab Hunter), he goes to live with his smokey and drinky momma Dory (Kim Lankford or TV’s Knot’s Landing–how awesome is that?) and her very skeezy actor boyfriend (who seriously must have done his actor’s training in the gay porn industry).

Much like Poltergeist (and the 80 other movies this flick apes) the demon raised in Cameron’s Closet doesn’t just stay put.  It follows Cameron from place to place and caregiver to caregiver.  When would-be stepdad gets in the way, he gets his eyes all burned out and proceeds to sort of fly backward out the window, landing on his magnificent Caddy (which he’ll never see again, yuk yuk yuk).

Enter Detective Man (Cotter Smith, who was on the pilot episode of St. Elsewhere).  He and his therapist (Mel Harris of TV’s Thirtysomething–even more awesome than Kim Lankford) come to investigate the death of skeezy, porn star boyfriend.  In doing so, they quickly discover that Cameron has abilities, and WHOA! those abilities have wrought a demon, and that demon wants cute and cuddly little Cameron.  Well, of course, they have to save him.

But who can save Cameron and how?  Such is the setup for a gloriously eighties, fingertip lightning kind of ending!  Yippee!

And that’s basically what you’re getting into when you watch Cameron’s Closet.  And what a fun time you’ll have.  Now, this is not a legitimate craptastic masterpiece like… say… Bug.  But it will feel like the perfect movie to watch on a lazy afternoon when you’re avoiding the summer heat, which is exactly what I was doing last night.

This movie is a good, good time–if you go in expecting the right things.  What are those right things, you ask.  Well, mostly, some really awesome and fake looking gore (Tab Hunter’s head!  Porn star boyfriend’s eyes!  Two random zombies!).  And then you also get that whole fingertip lightning thing, which is fast becoming my favorite ridiculous effect in horror movies.  I mean, wow, light shooting out of people’s fingertips?  Awesome.  Just awesome.  If you think you’re up for this kind of affair, give Cameron’s Closet a rent.  Shit, the nighttime soap stars are worth the price of a rental (Mel-fucking-Harris!).

Advertisements

~ by acaseofyou12581 on June 4, 2010.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: