Short Words on Giant Rats

Oh, Food of the Gods, how awesome you would have been if you hadn’t been filled with real rats getting murdered in the service of a B-movie.  Watching you filled me with glee until I realized actual animals were dying in order for me to act like a kid again.  Not cool, Food of the Gods, not cool.  You and me, we broke up after that.  (And you even starred Ida Lupino.)

But I wasn’t so turned off by you that I would avoid your sequel.  I mean, maybe it was all the same recipe minus the animal abuse.  Your sequel and I could have mated for life.  And we almost did.  But then…. I don’t know….

There is not a lot I am going to say about this movie (hey… read: SHORT WORDS, okay?), but I will say that it is truly one of the worst films I have ever seen in my entire life.  And normally, that would be a joyful thing.  But this film really straddles the line between “so bad it’s good” and “so bad I want to go back in time and convince my mother to abort me.”

Nothing in this film actually works, okay?  So just get that in your head and hold onto it because I am about to describe the things that are wonderful about the film.  When I do that, you’re going to think you would marry this movie.  You’ll think, “What could possibly be better than Gnaw: Food of the Gods 2?”  But things could be better.  They could be.  Just remember that for every AMAZING thing about this movie, there are 75 that are boring or stultifying or irritating or potentially offensive (see the racist representation of a Mexican student whose ass gets bitten off–actually maybe that was one of the awesome parts).

Okay, ready for the good (remember to hold onto that bad).
1)  14-foot-tall 8-year-old kid who screams obscenities
2)  giant rats, yo.
3)  visible boom mic
4)  synchronized swimmers being attacked by giant rats
5)  bureaucrat who won’t shut down the school (one of my favorite cliches)
6)  visible special effects (meaning the Man Behind the Curtain is totally on-screen)
7)  dying man smoking a cigarette in what must be the most telegraphed in scene ever
8)  a sex dream ending with a GIANT penis
9)  exterminator who should have been played by Kurt Russell who carried a flamethrower

See, it sounds amazing, right?  But it’s not.  And I am pretty sure animals are actually abused in this one too.  I mean, not animals en masse like in the original (which b-t-dubbs, has nothing to do with this one), but still… come on… someone save the poor animals.

None of this adds up to wonderful or even craptastic.  It was marginally craptastic, I suppose, as I did laugh a lot while viewing.  But there are huge sections of B-O-R-I-N-G sandwiched in there.

So take your chances, I guess.  I’ve warned you.

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~ by acaseofyou12581 on June 7, 2010.

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