Enjoy the View!

I’ve been meaning to post a review this week, but things . . . happened.

So I went and added Nacho Cerda’s The Abandoned to my queue thinking “Well, supposedly this guy is awesome, and I will believe it to be so!”  When I arrived home after work last night, I put the DVD into the DVD player in the living room thinking I would make it as scary as I could.  You know, as scary as something can be as you eat black bean and tomato nachos with a very bland and generic quesadilla.  No, seriously, it was like eating chicken-flavored paper.  Or maybe I could just say that it tasted white.  (Interesting factoid: In my neighborhood, the Chinese restaurant is run by a Latin family, and the Mexican restaurant is run by an Asian family.  This blows my muthafuckin’ mind.)

AnyJohnSaxon, I’m sitting on the floor cross-legged (because I am trying to stop saying “indian style”), and I am shoveling nachos into my mouth like Kurt Russell, and the movie starts playing.

Now, let me interrupt to say that I always watch these “After Dark Horrorfest” movies — you know the ones, the 8 Film to Die For movies — and they always suck.  They are like epically bad.  Even Takashi Shimizu made one, and I couldn’t watch that one all the way through.  Yes, you read that right — A TAKASHI SHIMIZU MOVIE WAS BAD.  So I was already feeling all disappointed to see their stamp on the DVD when I pulled it out of the sleeve.  (The image and description on Netflix did not betray this information, natch.)

And then it starts.  Oh, gods, y’all, it started with a voiceover, which would have been mildly annoying if it hadn’t been spoken by a woman who clearly has never read anything off paper aloud before.  I mean, I wanted to find her and force her to take a speech class.  And . . . I don’t know . . . I just . . . I took it out of the DVD player.  I just quit watching it.  I couldn’t do it after such an abysmal start.

Now, I know many of you think I was judging to quickly, and the movie does get three stars on Netflix, but I am just too fucking old to waste time on movies like this.  Shit, I’m almost 30, and I am way behind on horror.  So yeah, fuck this movie super hard, and that’s why I don’t have a review today.

Instead I give you this.  It’s beautiful.

If you are reading on Facebook, you have to go to the actual blgo site to watch the video.  Sorry, nerds.

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~ by acaseofyou12581 on June 24, 2010.

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