Liveblogging: A Chinese Ghost Story (1987)

It’s been a while since I took you down the road of horror right along with me.  I thought, “How could I ever top the majesty of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon?”  Then Work Friend was all, “Hey, I have this movie for you.”  I asked him if it was scary, and he was all, “Oh no, no, no” in that way that means, “but you’re gonna love it.”  So I thought, meh, A Chinese Ghost Story it is.

Okay, so this is going to go just like last time.  I’ll just give you snippets of info as I go along.  And then you go out and get the movie, and we watch it together.  Got it?  Okay.  Here we go.

So there’s a very Sam Raimi moment with the shot going up the stairs.  If you’re going to steal, you might as well do it right.

Is this a joke?  I can’t tell.  The lead guy is very Jim Carrey about things.

Head chopping!  Righteous.

HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP — These are the worst subtitles in the history of history.  No, there is an exclamation point after everything!  So, you know, he arrived in this town!  And in this town he was talking to someone about collecting shit!  And the dude was all “that record looks like dookie!”

Hehe.  Someone shoved him into a wall and yelled “Thank you!”  I’m pretty sure that’s not what he meant.  I don’t know if I’m ever going to know what’s going on in this movie.  Hmmm…. Do I care?  Methinks I do not.

It seems likely that this will devolve into me typing in the worst of the subtitles.  That could be fun.

Creepy woods at night action.  Lead dude is running like mad.  Three dogs.  Fucking awesome fight scene.  See it, dudes, see it.

“We’re fought for seven years, and you’re always lost.”
“Lay down your sword & touch him with love.”
“Lead Dude: I’m trying to find a place. Old fighter man: It’s not convenient.”

ZOMBIES!  Wait, what?  So when she makes out with people they die and become zombies?  Eh, go with it.  These zombies are actually pretty awesome.  They’re like a cross between a Fulci zombie and that chick who talks about brains in Return of the Living Dead, and they crawl around and shit.  I hope we get to see more of them.

Now, he’s chasing her around with a lute.  Dude, don’t ask.  But she’s chasing a stereotypical Chinese guy, and he’s chasing her.

Apparently if you hug, you will scare a cobra away.  Yeah, good luck with that.  Okay, well, she apparently has some kind of breath-wind thing going on.  I’m not sure I get that, but okay.

“Don’t let he sees you.  Here’s your lute Miss!”

She flew away.  I’m not sure I understand the mythology behind this film.  She flies away and he jumps around like a child to get the “villain’s” attention.  Wow.  The villain has incredible fake facial hair.  He should be in the hall of fame for that shit.  It was some of the worst facial hair ever.  I mean, it was no Sleepaway Camp cop Magic Marker mustache, but still, it was pretty awesome.

Wow.  People in this movie can accomplish a lot by breathing.  And to think I only do that to stay alive.

Oh yay!  More zombie action.  Good times.  He just accidentally posted a zombie.  Poor, poor zombie.  It’s screaming in pain.  Oh no, sunlight kills the zombies.  Yeah, I really don’t get the mythology of this film.  None of it makes very much sense.  But again, I say, I DON’T CARE.

“That man of taste is here again.”

In a truly what the fuck moment, she is now being beaten by a tranny father.  I think it’s her father.  I’m not exactly fully focused on this.  I’m sorry.

I feel like this movie is weirdly comedic.  Who exactly is in on this joke?  I can’t tell.

HOLY. CRAPPING. CRAP.  There is a rap sequence.  I’m so filled with glee I can’t even describe it.  I am looking for this, so you can see it too.  Witness the glory.

Okay, now that you’ve seen that, I just have to say WOW.

Moving on…

Nice.  This guy who can do Raiden-esque shit just chopped a chick’s head off.  And she’s still walking around.  Fucking magical.

Interlude:

Yes, all right.  The chick is a ghost.  I already figured that out.  We can move on.

Again, HOLY CRAPPING CRAP.  A tree monster.  Every time I think the movie has lost me, it comes roaring back with shit like a fucking tree monster.  This is pretty righteous, and again, pretty Sam Raimi reminiscent and Buffy reminscent and Poltergeist reminiscent.  (Those are all good things.)

Oh now, that old woman looks like a tranny, fo sho.

Ah!  Freddy tongue.  Sweet.  This is some crazy fucked up shit.  I don’t even know what to say.  Well, maybe a series of sweets and yeeeaahs.  Ahahaa.  Gooey hug.

Okay, so they are going into Hell.  And it’s really windy there.  I half expect The Nothing to come about.  They have to fight a Hell army?  Ah, sweet.  This is some sort of Knight-like Devil.  He’s pretty fucking fierce, y’all.  What the fuck is even going on anymore?  Do I care?  Methinks not.  The Devil exploded with a single arrow strike.  Good times.

I just realized that nothing I’ve written makes any fucking sense.  Eh, you should see it anyway.

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~ by acaseofyou12581 on July 8, 2010.

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