Quick Cuts (Edition 4)

Why, where have I been? You must ask yourself this very question every single day when you click over to Chickapin Parish and discover I have nothing new to share.

As I may have casually stated, I am moving at the end of this week.  Because of this, I remain a big lame, and I have very little to add to the world of horror.  Now, I have been watching movies.  I mean, what do you do when you’ve been packing for a whopping five minutes?  Why, you stop and watch a movie.  And this is exactly what I did.

Sometime this weekend between binge-eating and trying to decide whether or not I should be embarrassed enough to throw away my Ace of Base CD, I watched Ssssss (1973).  (In all likelihood, I will vary the number of “S”s in the title.  I am far too busy and important to actually count them.)

I’ll just sum this up by saying that this is a mad scientist movie with a scientist who really doesn’t seem all that mad.  And I can’t decide whether that makes him creepy or just sort of pathetic.  This is, for me, the timeless question one walks away with after viewing Ssssssss.

Of course, there is more to the movie, and I must make something of that more.  The main squeeze of our young-scientist-turned-snake man looks a bit like a Jan Brady.  She has moments of beauty, but they really play her up like the ugly girl, and I was wondering why one made this choice.

Come to think of it, I am questioning a lot of the choices in Ssssss. Seriously, what is the point of making a man who actually turns into a snake?  I know the mad scientist says that he is a snake with the mind of a man, but he’s really just a snake.  If his entire body changes into a cobra, why would his mind not change into that of a cobra?  Again I ask, what is the point of this?

You know, ultimately, I expected a lot more from this movie.  It was recommended by a friend who knows just how much shit I can eat.  And while it was a good time, and I did enjoy watching it very much, I think I expected it to have its tongue planted in its cheek, but it isn’t.  It takes itself quite seriously.  So really, who knows?

Should you watch it?  Well, it really depends what you’re looking for.  If you want a mad, mad, mad, mad world scientist, then you should look someplace else.  But it was a hell of a distraction for the afternoon.  Make of that what you will.

Now, I have a definitive opinion on the second film I viewed this weekend.  And that opinion is that it was complete and utter shit.  I hated this movie so much that I honestly felt like dying a third of the way in.  I was imagining ways to get the slasher to come into my home and kill me so I would stop watching the fucking movie.  It was so bad that I wanted to shove my head up my own ass because whatever is going on in there stinks less than what was happening on screen.

You all wait with breath that is baited.  What movie?  pant-pant.  What movie?

Zombieween II. To the uninitiated, Rob Zombie’s Halloween II.

I can tell you without the shadow of a doubt that this movie is the worst film I have seen all year.  And that is really saying something because I watched Lisa, Lisa (a.k.a. Axe) this year.  Zombie’s understanding of Michael Myers has always been really annoying to me.  After all, what made him so awesome in the original was that we knew nothing about him, and you may know (because I have said it 10,000 times) that that which is unknowable is far scarier than that which is knowable.

In Zombie’s first Halloween, we were treated to a full discussion of Michael’s pathology.  We saw him with his family, killing school children, and in treatment with Dr. Loomis (played with little aplomb by Malcolm McDowell).  This backstory, I suppose, is supposed to open the door to new frights.  But it does just the opposite.  How can Michael be the embodiment of pure evil, The Boogeyman, if he’s just another fucked up kid from a broken home?  (Yes, I guess one could be saying that broken homes create evil, but that seems not only ham-fisted, but also moralistic, and to that I say, “Fuck that noise.”)

Now, if you can imagine the mess Zombie made of the first film, this is worse.  This is worlds worse.  In fact, this makes the first film look like fucking Cries & Whispers.  Let’s just leave this nugget:

The film opens with a placard letting us know what the white horse means in dreams.  It then proceeds to have Michael’s mother show up in a white dress and white wig standing next to a white horse and tell Michael to kill Boo so that the family can be together forever.  There is also a young Michael usually along for the ride.

Yeah, that was not a lie.

If that weren’t enough, Laurie is now a metal head?  I don’t even know how to comprehend that.  These are characters that are supposed to be based on Carpenter’s characters.  They are supposed to have some resemblance to those characters, and as we were watching this film, Best Friend just kept shouting, “YOU ARE NOT LAURIE STRODE!”

Now, I guess there are people out there who don’t think Laurie Strode is the greatest final girl on Earth, but let’s face it, those people are jerks, and they are wrong, and we don’t love them very much, nor do we assume God loves them or even likes them.  They suck.   Laurie Strode is the greatest final girl, and when you take a giant shit on her like Zombie did, you’re gonna get some backlash.

For that reason, I say, “Eff you, Rob Zombie.  Eff you in the A.”  It seems to me that Zombie was bothered by how much we all hated his first Halloween, and so he decided to not solve the problem by shitting all over the franchise with his second film.  This is about the most childish impulse ever–next to Tom Six’s impulse to make The Human Centipede.

Ultimately, this all creates a film that is seriously unwatchable and about 25 minutes too long.  Now pay attention.  I watched this abortion, so you don’t have to.  Don’t make my life meaningless by watching this piece of shit.  Trust me, I am right about this.  Thank me later.

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~ by acaseofyou12581 on August 24, 2010.

2 Responses to “Quick Cuts (Edition 4)”

  1. I feel the exact same way about Rob Zombie’s Halloween. What makes Michael Myers so scary, to me anyway, is that you don’t expect it from this kid. White, middle class from middle America. He would never do anything like this, because, well, why would he need to? It’s scarier when you don’t see it coming. And who’s going to see it coming from a six year old boy who so far seemingly has everything going for him? Broken home Michael Myers-you’re more surprised if he doesn’t kill people. I was thinking about seeing the sequel, but I don’t want to make your life meaningless. I will take your advice and skip it. Thanks.

  2. To be honest, it seems clear to me that Zombie doesn’t really understand what makes a scary movie scary. I will admit to liking The Devil’s Rejects, but it certainly wasn’t scary. And the torture scenes were sort of forced and meaningless since we felt no sympathy for the Firefly family while they were occurring. That’s the very definition of torture porn, yo.

    Ultimately, the crime Zombie commits is that his films fail to scare or shock. All the scenes seem telegraphed in from other–better–horror films. He’s stealing. And he’s not even doing it well. (See He Knows You’re Alone for expert robbery.)

    I’m glad you’ll skip it. I was yelling in rage throughout the proceedings.

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