Last Night’s Live Statusing! Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge

Some time ago, I was perusing the pages of Final Girl, and I came across a review of the 80s-flavored film Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge.  Her review, which culimated in “THIS MOVIE IS THE SHIT” made me really want to get out there and pick this one up.  “Well,” thought I, “I can’t exactly review this movie.”  After all, that’d been done, and it had been done better, I’m sure, than I would be able to.  So I set out to do something different.

Look, okay, I know most people do shit like this on Twitter, but Twitter is bleh.  I wanted to do it on ole FB.  So I live-statused (I just made that up) my “review” of this movie.  Behold the results.

Status 1: Since when do mall cops carry guns?

Status 2: Oh my gods, it’s that chick. Her hair is huge.

Status 3: Pauly effing Shore… before he was Pauly effing Shore.

Status 4: Hey, Ken Foree. What’s he doing in this movie?

Status 5: I was feeling all sad, and then that dude’s eyeballs popped out, and everything changed.

Status 6: Dude, that box was enormous. You would so see that immediately.

Status 7: Satin sheets! What a lovely cliche.

Status 8: Whew. That guy looks sleazy.

Status 9: That chick looks like Tea Leoni. And no, I haven’t thought of her in years. I think that guy got his junk bitten by a cobra.

Status 10: Okay, this movie just got awesome. Escalator murder.

Status 11: This is awful. I love it. A chase scene.

Status 12: And now they’re digging up a corpse. This just keeps getting better and better.

Status 13: A masked phantom in a letterman’s jacket. Movie, will you marry me?

Status 14: Lady in a ball gown defenestrated. Pure magic.

That’s about it, folks.

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~ by acaseofyou12581 on September 27, 2010.

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