Vincent Cassel Making Crazy Faces Does Not Make This Movie Worthwhile

So you like remember when I said I was going to watch all these French horror movies and that I thought they were so awesome and I was all peeing my pants in excitement over them and then I put on my “French Horror #1” tee shirt and then I finally said, “Oh hi! Nice to meet you”?  Right?

Well, Hell hath frozen over, my loves, because I have found a really, really shitty French horror movie.  Take heed, dear children, because I watch these films so you don’t have to.  DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT rent Sheitan.

So a bunch of asshole teens (?) are at the Styxx Club.  They get wasted and generally make a mess of themselves before one of them gets a bottle smashed in his face.  Out the club, they are kicked.  Of course, this is only the start of this completely irritating experiment in audience abuse, so one of the boys brings out a chick he met inside.

The group packs into a very small car (three boys, two girls, and a pit bull) and proceed to steal gas and snacks from a BP (seriously?  are these everywhere?) before heading out into the country.  Naturally, we have no idea where they are going until they arrive in the morning at the new chick’s country estate, which is filled with what looks like a bunch of garbage.  Maybe they don’t have Hoarders in France.  I don’t know, but if I walked into this house and saw it in such a state, I would want to leave immediately.  Yeesh.

New Chick (I’m sorry I can barely remember their names, and this isn’t a good enough movie to bother looking them up) gives them a tour of the house culminating at a room upstairs where her “father” has made a bunch of dolls.  The Other Girl says the room is beautiful, and maybe I can’t get tone when it’s subtitled, but I am hoping beyond hope that she was just being polite because this is the creepiest room I have ever seen, and I am ten thousand percent sure that I would vacate the estate upon entering this labyrinthine house of horrors.

No matter, of course, because our incredibly vapid and shallow teens remain.  They hang out with the housekeeper Joseph (Vincent Cassel sporting the weirdest and widest grin I have seen on anyone who wasn’t contained with me in a booby hatch) and his “friends” who appear to be a large group of developmentally disabled people.  They get into a fight in the hot springs with one of the teens who seems to be singled out for special attention from Joseph.  His friends, because they are the best friends ever and not at all intelligent and completely incapable of recognizing that Joseph is weird and creepy and might do upsetting things to him, just make a bunch of gay jokes.  Yes, they are these kinds of teens.

(ASIDE: You know, I know I wasn’t the greatest kid in the world.  Hell, I was a major fuck-up, but I did not act the way horror teens act these days.  I mean, what is wrong with these people?  Do they have no parents?  They seem relatively privileged, so you’d think someone was raising them.  I know I am all sounding old crone-y, but I can’t help it.  These kids just get my blood boiling.)

AnyMonicaBelluciInTheMatrixWearingThatCondomDress, the kids continue to act like assholes, and I am getting tired.  I have a moment when I think, “Well, maybe this has some Carpenter pacing, and I am just not watching it in the right mode.”  And then The Other Girl gets into bed, and there are grasshoppers everywhere, and she freaks out like it’s a fucking horse head, and I start to lose my patience with her, which sucks because she was the only one I liked even a little.  Bummer.

And then more things happen that don’t make any sense, and it turns out Joseph (Vincent Cassel) is married to Vincent Cassel in drag, and Vincent Cassel in Drag is about to give birth to the antichrist, and they need Bottle Face Boy’s hair, clothes, and eyes to make a toy to shake in the antichrist’s face.  And then there are some weird hallucinations, and that’s pretty much it.

And if you think that sounds good, I think we are permanently breaking up.

HOLY MOTHER OF STEAMING DIARRHEA CRAP.  This movie was bad.  After it concluded, I felt as if someone had pulled my brain out of my skull, shook it vigorously, and shoved it back in.  At least three times I said, “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?”  And you know I can handle some bullshit in my movies.  I mean, I am working my way through all the Hellraiser movies, and they’re nothing if not some serious bullshit.  But when you give me a movie wherein everyone is someone I want to die and then YOU DON’T KILL ANY OF THEM, I pretty much want to light your cats on fire.

(Nothing against your cats, but I am looking for something that will get you where you live.  Why?  Because every time you eff up a French horror movie, an angel gets its wings broken.  And there has to be some kind of punishment for that.)

In conclusion, eff this movie super hard.


~ by acaseofyou12581 on November 15, 2010.

2 Responses to “Vincent Cassel Making Crazy Faces Does Not Make This Movie Worthwhile”

  1. I swear I have said these exact same words when telling people about this film: “DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT rent Sheitan.”

    Brilliant review.

    You forgot the bit where they masturbate the Pitbull *blink*

    • Oh, I did totally forget about that. I was absolutely shocked that the movie was so bad. I’ve been really digging these French horror movies lately, but this one was just horrible. So was Baise-Moi. Please, please do not watch that either.

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