Quick Cuts (Edition 5)
As I said in a previous post, I spent my entire weekend in bed watching movies. As they were not all horror movies, I will not be telling you about, say, True Grit or All Good Things or The Kids Are All Right. Instead, you will be dealing with sequels and pornography.
It’s Christmas time, y’all. Around this time of year, I submit to what I believe is the greatest of all traditions. I watch a ton of movies. Two movies in particularly are must-watch movies for this particularly holiday: Black Christmas (1974) and White Christmas (1954). I did keep my holiday tradition and watch both of these films, but in an effort to expand my repertoire, I also added another Christmas horror duo: Silent Night, Deadly Night 1 & 2.
SNDN 1 & 2 are an extra special treat kiddies. Watching Santa Claus kill people is–in a word–rad. And to begin this edition of Quick Cuts, I have a short review of Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 (1987). (Yes, I am only reviewing the sequel, and you will see why.)
If you’re in a hurry to take in the joy that is SNDN 1 & 2, I suggest skipping part one. While it’s an enjoyable movie, you’ll find that the first thirty minutes of SNDN 2 are all you need to know about the series thus far. Besides, if you’re watching these in order, seeing part one will render part two a little boring, and in a film that has as much awesome as SNDN 2, you really shouldn’t take that risk.
Ricky, little brother to the murderous Santa Billy from SNDN 1, is chatting with his thirteenth shrink in ye olde booby hatch. He recounts the tale of his psyche-damaged brother Billy with chilling accuracy–mostly because it is all done in flashbacks that include footage from the original film–from the near-rape of the kids’ mom, to Linnea Quigley in short shorts and no shirt, to a headless sledder. I mean, every shining moment from SNDN 1 is there for your viewing pleasure–rendering the first film pretty much pointless.
Once you wade through that first thirty minutes you are now treated with the killing spree of Ricky himself. Up to a point, it seems like Ricky might be some kind of unsung hero, as he murders only people who are hurting others. Of course, then he gets a girlfriend, and all hell breaks loose because, as it turns out, she doesn’t like it when her boyfriend kills people–even if for good cause. Sheesh. I mean, what’s a guy to do?
After his girl leaves him, he’s approached by a man of the law who saw everything. But before you can say “miranda rights,” Ricky manages to shoot lawman in the forehead with his own gun. And now he’s off and running with a service revolver all his own.
Lucky for us, this leads to the greatest twenty seconds ever put on film. See below.
As can be expected from a film of this kind, the best it offers is Eric Freeman as Ricky. Good Lord, I have never been so enamored with an awful performance. Every single moment he’s on screen is one to be adored. Witness these gems.
“I don’t know what made ’em stop. Actually I do know.”
When questioned by the doctor how he could know something that happened in his infancy, he replies, “Because I was there.”
In response to “Do you dream, Ricky,” he says, “I… don’t… sleep.”
“No one heard him screaming, but I did.”
These moments plus the above “garbage day!” bit make SNDN 2 one of the greatest films of all time. And I mean it when I say that. Never have I seen such a mess, and you all know how I love messes.
Rent it, buy it, see it. It’s a must-watch.
When I was finished watching all my Christmas must-sees, I decided to keep traveling down the horror path, and I’ll just have to be honest. When I see that a movie exists called Pervert! with an actual exclamation point, then I am pretty sure it is a mathematical impossibility for me to not watch said film.
Unfortunately for me, however, Pervert! (2005) is a fucking awful movie. I spent much of the ninety minute run time asking myself why I didn’t just take the damn disc out of the DVD player. It was a stupid choice. I mean, I could have watched Bitch Slap again, but no… I watched Pervert!
A young man travels to his desert home to visit his father. When he gets there, he sees that his old, decrepit father has a hot, young girlfriend. The two begin to have an affair not exactly behind his back, and when Dad finds out, ole blondie disappears. Cut to the next day, and Dad has an angry, hot brunette. And it isn’t even a whole day before this one is gone too.
Who is killing all these buxom beauties? Well, I won’t keep you in suspense because the answer is really fucking stupid.
His penis.
Yes, you read that right. His penis detaches from his body (in claymation anti-glory) and screws these women to death. Our third woman actually has the penis come shooting out of her mouth. And it probably shouldn’t surprise you that the claymation penis is a girl and has a face. Or maybe it should. Once you’ve reached that point in the film, I tend to think nothing will surprise you.
Now, I can understand why what I have just told you sounds like the best thing ever filmed, but I am telling you right now, it is the dumbest shit on Earth. And you know it has to be bad if I’m saying that.
Please, just stay away.
Chickapin Parish 